Tuesday, October 27, 2015

An attempt at being honest

Fuck.
Where to begin?
Well I don’t want to start at the beginning...not just yet.
I’ll start a bit more current....

My last Instagram bio read “Féministe♀, les Fauves, Bohémien, Sauvage”. These words confuse people which humors me. So Féministe means feminist. Easy, right? Les Fauves is from an artistic movement known as Fauvism and the les Fauves were the artist (such as Henry Matisse) which translates to the wild beast. This movement became a huge deal for me in my high school advanced art classes...courses really. I loved the blatant disregard for convention. Matisse painted a red room and it is titled the red room. I often did this with my artwork...make things colored they would never actually appear in real life. Bohémien...is bohemian or boho...which loosely translates to someone from Czech Republic or, and I cannot stress the importance of that or, a nonconformist. The definition actually states, "a person who has informal and unconventional social habits, especially an artist or writer."  This one word is the most slung at who I am both mentally and satoricaly. Well that and intimidating. People find me very intimidating. I am not sure why exactly...I do not tolerate stupidity and mendacity. I could say so much about this actually...I think people just don't like to face their bullshit and I refuse to put up with it. So I don't. I just scare people. Let's leave it at that. I'm intense. I ask why. Ugh...I'm odd. Okay? Lastly Sauvage which means untamed. My name Tyne is an old Anglican word River. I was born and named something provoking a free spirit and untam-ability. I mean look at the wonder and power of water.

I could also talk about all the amazing people but more so the amazing women I have drawn to myself this year. My only real New Years resolution was to be my authentic self and not to apologize about who that person is. Who I am. Amazingly enough as to my own self I've been true I have attracted these amazing women to myself. These strong brilliant talented beautiful women and it blows my mind that they actually want to spend time with me. I don't understand it but I'll be damned if I am going to turn them away. It's wakened this power within myself for my writing and that being me is okay. Better than okay because I have friends like I've never really had before. The once hard to bond with woman I was holding everyone at arms length now embraces people especially my fellow women in a way I’ve never experienced. I mean even the outrageous group texts are fantastic and overflowing with sarcasm, gifs, and love.

J often tells me that the woman I portray is not actually who I am...even if I disagree with him he claims he understands me in a way I don’t. See I enjoy being the bookworm that no one can really pin down. I enjoy that I am a brain and antisocial. I enjoy me time. So while I don’t feel my ‘I could give a flying fuck’ attitude is very ME I do understand how J could see a softer, sensitive, survivor girl that I guess does make up part of who I am as a whole. I also think that being honest with myself and opening myself up for people to really see has just attracted people to me who actually appreciate who I am. Sounds fucking obvious but it has taken me over twenty years to understand this. It could be due to the intense bullying I faced as a child...I’m not sure.

What I am sure about is that I am proud now to be myself. To openly share with people in a non-hostile way that I am a feminist, I am in a biracial marriage, I am sarcastic and very brilliant and hilariously funny. I am like no one else you’ve ever known and I am finally excited about that.

I’m the crazy bohemian who likes what she likes how she likes it........, and that’s okay!

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